


Emily's Reflections

by Eramia



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angsty Schmoop, Christmas Fluff, Comfort/Angst, Diary/Journal, Dissociation, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything Hurts, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Romantic Fluff, Talking, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trauma, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-18 07:16:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21590611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eramia/pseuds/Eramia
Summary: It hasn't been long since Lena "Tracer" Oxton was firmly anchored back in the correct timestream. When she disappeared during the Slipstream accident, she took more than the prototype ship with her. Now that she's returned, she goes back to Overwatch as a field agent and her life continues as normal. When Christmas comes, she even requests a break to make up for lost time with her girlfriend, Emily. But when Lena reads something she shouldn't have, she quickly realizes that what felt like a bad dream to her continues to be a living nightmare for Emily.
Relationships: Emily/Lena "Tracer" Oxton
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	Emily's Reflections

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CynthiaWritesX](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynthiaWritesX/gifts).



_ “Uggghhhh.” _

“Yes, hon?”

“Em, I’m  _ bored _ ,” Lena whined. To emphasize how bored she was, she seated herself upside down with her head hanging off the couch.

“Cabin fever already, huh?”

“You know it.”

“Weren’t you just out in the field like a couple days ago?”

“Yeah, but, like, that’s just it!” Lena sat up. “I had a mission then! And now, I’m pretty much on winter break.”

“Which was at your request.”

“I know that,” Lena sighed, flopping back down, “I did this to myself, pretty much. Not that I would want it any other way, love, it’s just...agh, I’m  _ so _ bored!”

Emily looked up from her laptop. “Well if you want to do something so badly then you could clean the apartment,” she told her with a motherly tone, “We have friends coming this Friday.”

“But I  _ don’t wanna! _ ”

Emily threw her head back and laughed. “You’re such a baby!” she teased.

Lena’s cheeks flushed, both from the teasing by her insanely cute girlfriend with the most adorable laugh (she tells people it's like a little bell) and the blood rushing to her head. “Hmph!” She readjusted herself upright, folding her arms across her chest.

“But seriously,” Emily continued, “it would be pretty helpful.”

Lena grumbled, “But I wanna do something  _ fun.” _

Her partner leaned on her shoulder. “Please? For me?” she asked sweetly.

“ _ Fine, _ ” she sighed.

“Good!” Emily closed her laptop and set it on a pillow beside her as she got up from the couch. “I’m going out!”

“Wait, where are _you_ going?”  
“Out,” she said over her shoulder, “I’m buying groceries for dinner.”

Lena rose to her knees on the couch, hanging over the back like a child. “What’s for dinner?”

Emily turned on her heel with a grin. “It’s a surprise!” she said, “I found this cool recipe online and I’m gonna teach you how to make it!”

“It’s not like I forgot how to cook! I’ll have you know, since I came back, I haven’t burnt a thing.”

“Because I reminded you that the stove was on” Emily shot back.

“What--Hey! This isn’t about me!” Lena laughed. “Have you made this before?”

“Nope! But I watched a ton of youtube videos last night and therefore,” she booped Lena’s nose (which she told everyone was the cutest little button shape), “that makes me an expert over  _ you! _ ” Grabbing the keys from the hook near the front door, she said, “I’ll be back in a few hours! I gotta go all over London! It’s special stuff!”

“Alright then. Be safe, I love you,” Lena called.

“Love you too!” The door nearly closed, but Emily poked her head back in. “Don’t forget to clean, preferably sometime today!”

Lena groaned. “I know, love.”

“Okay, love you, bye!” The door closed behind her for real this time.

Lena stared at a commercial running on TV. Boring. She switched to their streaming service. Nope. Lame. Can’t watch that yet, waiting for Emily to catch up. Nope. Nope. Ugh! Lena dropped the remote on the cushion beside her. “Looks like I’m gonna have to actually clean, huh,” she muttered. She sighed, loudly.

“Okay, Tracer. It’s go time. On three. One, two...hup!”

With that, she rose from the couch, turned on some music, and danced her way around the apartment. Fluffing pillow cushions, picking up spare water cups, wiping down counters. All easy stuff. Just  _ boring _ . But it was better than sitting on the couch doing nothing.

After Lena finishes the kitchen and living room areas, she decides to take it one step further. Why not organize the bedroom while she’s at it? That’s sure to earn her some extra “good girlfriend points” if those were even a thing. She’s pretty sure they are.

When she was alone, talking out loud helped her keep on track. “I bet organizing the closet will make Em happy.” She threw open the closet doors with sudden determination and closed them just as fast. “I bet the fact that I  _ considered _ organizing the closet will make Em happy!”

She sighed, leaning against the closet doors. “Ugh, c’mon, Lena. This isn’t even the worst thing you’ve ever done. And what’re you gonna do, go back on the couch? No way.” Lena faced the doors with her fists on her hips. Power pose.

“You can do this, Lena! It’s no biggie!”

The closet doors flew open.

“Whoa.”

Before her laid a mountain of clothes, books, and various knick-knacks they couldn’t cram under the bed. How long has it been since they’ve seen the light of day?

“Well okay then! Time for a game of life-sized Jenga, shall we? Now, where do I start!”

She made the fatal error of picking a shoebox from the bottom of the closet which was secretly the one piece that was holding everything together. Not even for the first time, Lena understood what it was like to have everything come crashing down around you. And just when she thought it was over, like the closet wanted one last laugh, a book landed corner-first on her head and skidded across the bedroom floor.

“Well, that could’ve gone better.”

She dug herself out from the mountain of miscellanea that collapsed on her and reached for that book. “C’mere ya little bugger. I’m gonna put you back first!”

Except she didn’t get that far. She grabbed the book and felt that it had a smooth, leather-bound cover. It was blank except for the engraving of a butterfly on a flower. The spine even had string binding, like it was done by hand. There was no method of locking it or string to tie to ensure it stayed shut.

“Oh, crap! Emily got me a journal for Christmas? Aw, jeez, it’s handmade too. That must’ve been expensive.” She shouted into the hall, despite knowing she was home alone, “Sorry for spoiling the surprise, Em!” She began to flip through it, chuckling at her own silliness, but her expression quickly faded into something more somber as she realized that the journal was not empty at all. Instead, it was full of Emily’s handwriting.

“I didn’t know Emily journaled,” she muttered before she froze and slammed the journal shut. “What am I doing!? This is Emily’s diary! I have to put this back!” She clambered out of the junk from the closet and threw the book on the bed.

She looked away, but the mystery of the journal called her. “No, Lena,” she scolded herself, “You need to be a good girlfriend and good girlfriends respect their partner’s privacy. It’s Relationship 101 and you’re about to fail!”

She stared at the book.

The book stared back.

Lena dove onto the bed. “Oh, I’m failing so bad right now! But I’m sure she won’t mind just a peek. It’s not like she’s cheating--”

For one, she wasn’t cheating. Lena had no doubt that Emily was a faithful girlfriend and with everything they’ve gone through, how could she betray that trust? That was the question of the hour. She noticed her name in the very first journal entry, dated within the past year. She skims and it doesn’t take too long to find the word “disappearance” in the same paragraph or even in the same sentence.

“Oh, Emily,” Lena sighed.

Cleaning the closet would have to wait.

_ “I’m starting a journal at my therapist’s request. I’ve never really journaled before, but Dr. Thrusher, and, well, many people, really, thought it might help me cope with Lena’s passing. It doesn’t even feel right to say ‘passing’. I mean, she’s presumed dead--keyword, presumed! That doesn’t mean she really is, right? _

_ God, I sound so stupid right now. It was so hard just writing that first paragraph, let alone even opening the journal. I’ve already gone through half a box of tissues it feels. _

_ It’s a pretty thing, isn’t it? Dr. Ziegler gave it to me as a gift. She told me she bought it for herself but she’s never had the time to sit down and write in it. It was lying in the closet for a while, but when Dr. Thrusher suggested I try practicing opening up privately in a journal, everything just seemed to fall together. _

_ I mean, my therapist is right. I haven’t really been opening up to anyone. My mom must’ve thought I went mental when I broke down the other day. To be honest, I thought I was going crazy too. I haven’t been the same since Lena disappeared. _

_ I can’t even write that sentence without having to take a deep breath and use some tissues. Jeez. I think I need to end it here. Sorry, doctor, that this can’t be longer. This is all I can do for today. I’m going to finish this box of tissues now.” _

The front door opened to a dark apartment, lit only by their silent TV. Subtitles flashed at the bottom of the screen. The bright LEDs outlined the silhouette of Lena’s head.

“I’m home!” Emily called. Plastic bags rustled at her side with her every movement. “Why are the lights off? It’s bad for your eyes, hon,” she said, turning on the lights herself.

Lena turned her head in Em’s direction but she couldn’t seem to lift her heavy gaze off the floor. “We need to talk, love,” she said.

“Sure thing, hon,” Emily said, picking up the bags, “What happened--”

She nearly dropped the groceries, just seeing her journal sitting on the coffee table in front of her. Lena sat on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest.

“Where did you get that?” Emily asked. Her voice had gone cold.

“I found it while I was cleaning,” Lena told her. Not a lie, technically speaking but she felt guilty just admitting she saw it.

Em’s fists tightened on the grocery bag handles. “...Did you read it?”

“...Yes.”

Emily seemed to forget the bags for a moment and dropped them in a heap at her feet. “That was my personal diary.”

Lena couldn’t look at her. She asked slowly, “Em, why didn’t you tell me what you went through?”

“Hold on, one thing at a time, Lena,” Emily cried, “That was my  _ personal _ diary.”

“Well, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to. It was an accident--”

“You read the whole thing  _ by accident _ ?!”

“No, I, uh, yes? I mean--” Lena sighed, hanging her head between her knees, running her hands through her hair. “Em, I can explain--”

“Oh, this should be good!” she shouted, “What, do you not trust me or something?”

“You know, Em,” she snapped, “Now, I’m not so sure.”

The shock on Emily’s face, it made Lena’s gut churn in the worst way possible. The way her eyes were trained on her as she rose to her feet didn’t help. She felt sweaty all of a sudden.

“Why didn’t you tell me what you went through?” she asked quietly.

Emily shook her head as if she couldn’t hear. “...I’m sorry?”

It was Lena’s turn to yell. “Why didn’t you  _ tell me _ how much you suffered while I was gone?” she cried. Her eyes were stinging now. She hated that she was an angry crier, but there was no helping it now. “I had no idea, Em. You were suffering so much and it was all my fault.”

Emily’s anger began to fizzle, being doused by a wave of regret now. “Lena, it’s not--It wasn’t--”

“You think I didn’t notice how hard you’d cling to me at night? How you’d wake up all scared and shaking, even if it was just for the bathroom?” Lena yelled, staring at her hands. They shook and Lena hated this too. “Do you know how many times I had to come running with my arse hanging out just to comfort you?! If I went outside without telling you, you’d go tearing through the apartment, thinking I disappeared again. Did you think I just ignored that?! You didn’t do that at all before I was gone.”

“No, hon, I didn’t--”

“So why didn’t you tell me, Em?” She didn’t shout this question, but the tone, the hurt and  _ betrayal  _ in it, scared them both.

Suddenly, Emily was the one who couldn’t look at the other.

Lena asked again: “Why didn’t you tell me that you had this...this separation anxiety and a therapist and all this stuff while I was gone? When I came back?”

“No, I…” A moment ago, Emily was defiant, ready to throw down the gauntlet. That Emily was now long gone it seemed. This Emily was meek and quiet; a total stranger to anger. 

Fragile.

“I spent so long believing none of this was actually happening. Like it was all some bad dream or a movie,” she continued. Lena was too shocked to respond. It was even worse hearing it in person. “And I kept thinking, if I just ignored it, it would go away. And I kept moving and living but it never did. The apartment was always empty when I came home.”

Emily trained her glare on her girlfriend. “Do you know what that’s like, Lena? Because I don’t think you do.”

The anger drained from Lena’s face into pity. Into her own form of regret. “But you can tell me,” she said quietly, “I’ll listen.”

Em suddenly seemed to regret  _ everything. _ “I know...I know you would--God, I’m such a fucking idiot!” She collapsed on the couch beside Lena, the bottom of her palms digging into her eyes like she was trying to plug the floodgates. It wasn’t working. The dam was going to break whether she liked it or not.

Lena joined her and placed a hand on her back, between her shoulder blades. “No, baby, shhh, you’re not an idiot at all,” she said, hushed and gentle. “Come here.”

Emily fell into her arms, limp and shaking, lines of snot connecting them both. Her head rested on Lena’s chest. Lena rested her chin on her head. There, the two laid on the couch on the verge of tears.

“I thought I was over it by now…” Emily sniveled, “I mean, I went out today just fine. I came home to the apartment and you were home again. You were home…”

Lena squeezed her girlfriend close to her chest, pressing her head against her heart.  _ Do you hear my heartbeat? _ she wondered.

“I  _ am _ home, Emily,” she told her, “And I’m  _ staying _ home.”

Emily sniffed and nodded.

“Well, technically for the rest of winter break,” Lena added, “and then I have to go back, but you get what I mean.”

Emily giggled. “I do.” Lena kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry I got so mad,” Emily mumbled.

“No, no, don’t say that,” Lena insisted, “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have gone through your things like that.”

“I just...didn’t want to admit that...you know...Lena Oxton was most likely dead or gone. Nobody had any idea where you were,  _ how _ you were. Being labeled ‘MIA’ is so scary.”

“I...yeah, I agree. One hundred percent, love.”

Emily continued. She had bottled up all of her emotions for so long, but now, the glass bottle had a crack. It was leaking and spilling all its contents.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I figured you went through enough. Now that I think of it, I have no idea what you went through either. It was unfair of me to say you couldn’t understand me when I...didn’t let you in, and I’m sorry.”

“No, love, it’s okay. I think I do understand a little,” Lena told her, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling, “I mean all that bad dream stuff. It’s all sort of...foggy, to be honest. I tried to remember all I could, but really all I got were bits and pieces. It’s like one moment I was here and then I just suddenly wasn’t. And I can’t recall what’s in between the moments where I  _ was _ here. It’s like trying to build a puzzle but you’re missing a few pieces.”

Emily nodded solemnly. “I know that feeling.”

“Do you know that I love you?”

Emily nodded even more, bumping Lena’s chin. “A lot.”

“A lot, a lot!”

Emily giggled, voice still shaky from crying.

Lena squeezed her again, happy to find that her girlfriend squeezed her back. “Do you wanna just order a pizza?” she asked, “We can cook dinner tomorrow night.”

Emily sniffed. “That sounds good, yeah.”

“Perfect.” Lena reached for her phone from the coffee table. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten your usual order!” she told Emily proudly.

Emily rested her chin on Lena’s sternum. “Extra pineapple!” she declared.

“You’re literally  _ insane _ ,” she laughed.

“Just do half and half then!”

“But the smell is so bad--”

“It’s not even that strong!”

“It is for me!”

Emily grinned. “So what you’re saying is, you wouldn’t kiss me if I had pineapple mouth?”

Lena craned her neck to kiss Emily, snotty nose and all. In retrospect, it was a little gross, but in the moment, it was sweet. “I didn’t spend all that time in the void to waste a single moment with you, love.” She speed-dialed their usual pizza place. “Extra pineapple!”

“You’re so cheesy!” Emily laughed.

Lena grinned. “Was that a pizza pun?”

“What? No, I-- _ Oh _ . Oh my gosh, I hate you, Lena!”

Another kiss. Another giggle fit. “Love you too, Emily.”

“A lot, a lot?”

“A lot, a lot.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm especially proud of this piece. Thank you, Cyn, for giving me the opportunity to write it! Writing emotional/candid conversations with heart-to-hearts are my absolute FAVORITE. I LOVE emotional and vulnerable moments like this.
> 
> If you liked this, check me out on Tumblr as @eramia or on Instagram and Twitter as @mamaeramia for more stuff! I truly appreciate any support I can get.


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